READER QUESTION: How Do You Motivate Your Partner Without Seeming Over Bearing?

This question came from my Facebook inbox she wants to remain anonymous so we will call her Jane, and Jane from Virginia wanted to know... "How do I motivate my significant other to care of things they really need to take care of things they really need to take care of without seeming overbearing?". That is a GREAT question! This is a delicate balance that you will have to perfect because it will be something you will most likely have to do for most of your relationship. Let's face it. We all need a little motivation, some WAY more than others. Motivating your significant other can be especially frustrating, if you yourself are a self-motivators or go-getters. Making the situation FAR more frustrating, and causing you to get very impatient.  Which leads me into my first bit of advice. Be patient. Understand that just because you are able to do it on your own, EVEN if it is very important not everyone posses the same fight. Sometimes when you are trying to motivate, it can be taken as unwanted advice. There are a couple ways to avoid being seen as nagging, and annoying. It is also important that you don't break them down. Now is not the time to pull out, "You're so lazy, you always or never do anything!" or "Why can't you just get it done?!" even better "What's taking so long?!". Not the time or place. In fact let's put those in the word grave, they will almost never get you anywhere. STAY POSITIVE.

When you are giving your significant other advice, you are already walking a fine line. My second piece of advice is to make sure that when you approach the situation you have the right approach. Remember it's hardly ever about what you say but about how you say it. Instead of telling them what to do. Try opening up the conversation with something positive. "Hey I know you have a lot going on (even if the most they do all day is watch paint dry), do you need help with some of the things you need done?". Ask them about their plan. If they say they have one, help them stay on track. If they don't help them make one. Writing it down on a check list is great way to do this, that way they can keep track of everything. Without a plan important things that need to be taken care of, can often become overwhelming and daunting. Remember (which is often overlooked or forgotten) you are your significant others rock. Part of being with them, is being there for them. If they don't want any help, or they shut it down quickly. Let it go (for now). Before the conversation gets heated. The last thing you want is for your passion to get the best of you, and it turn into a huge fight. Then your significant other will end up reversing the situation on you, in order to find an excuse for them not to take responsibilities for their actions. Which is the exact opposite of what you want to happen.

In a couple of days, revisit the situation, and come prepared. Ask them what there, progress is on the things that they need to get done. Even if they get frustrated, be CALM and persistent. Don't ever let them forget you are just trying to help. If they still have not gotten it done, show them a way that they can. Hopefully jump starting it will light the fire if you will. Again try to offer help, or at least a source they can talk to. Tell them why it is important for them to get it done, point out the future and what life can be like if they were or were not to get it done. The key you not coming off as parental is the approach. Pride is a big issue when you are dealing with people in this situation. Once they realize you do not think less of them, and you are just trying to be there they should warm up and let you in. It can definitely be hard. One the motivate makes a plan, they then in turn know they MUST get it done or face consequences. That acceptance of ownership can often prevent them from making the commitment to get it done. Although it is tempting try not to put them on time lines, or give them a consequence if they don't get it done. Thank you so much for your question, and I hope this was helpful, and good luck motivating your significant other! With these tools you should be just fine;)

-Reliably yours till blog do us part <3

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